Sun, 17th March 2024
Rules to break
I thought today that nobody writes blogs anymore. Or at least, nobody talks about them. Video blogs? Oh yes. Podcasts? Absolutely. TikToks? Sure! And here I am… with my first blog post.
Hi, it is me. A new blogger in the time of AI.
The new unpopular video
Today, I recorded a video for YouTube. Nobody except myself has watched it. Maybe nobody will even watch it. Ever.
Nobody asked me about the reasons for the disappearance after the previous video, yet I still felt the need to explain myself to the invisible audience. As always.
The need to explain myself has always followed me. Sooo… where is my freedom, my independence that I hear others say I possess and nurture? If I even have to justify something that no one asked about. Only to feel that I can move on.
In the video I focused on the items. Here I focused on what was under the cover.
It felt strange when I recorded the above video; I felt like I had relieved myself of a burden. I finally spoke aloud about how I had been ill. That things weren’t going well. That my savings were depleted due to unforeseen circumstances.
But to be honest? Expecting the worst, I foresaw everything that happened. That’s why I fortified myself with savings. Probably others wouldn’t have had them. Not in the amounts of money that I suddenly needed. And saying all that, I am thinking that it is not that my finances are anyhow extraordinary. I think I am just appreciative and not enough extravagant, or not good enough to myself to spend it all.
As of January 2024, a survey from Finder has revealed that the average UK adult has £11,185* in savings. Despite this about 46% of people have £1000 or less in savings and 25% have £200 or less**.
Source: Finance-Monthly.com
* was the King of Great Britain included in that average?
Nearly half of Americans have $500 or less** in their savings accounts, an amount that leaves them vulnerable to unexpected expenses, according to a GOBankingRates survey of 1,063 U.S. adults conducted in November 2023. About 29% of respondents have between $501 and $5,000 in their savings accounts, while the remaining 21% of Americans have $5,001 or more.
Source: CNBC Make It
** this really makes me feel sad…
While I think I predicted issues, some would probably say that by intensively thinking about it, I magically made it happen.
So, what actually happened?
To look into the eyes of the greatest fears
In the past few months, I’ve been confronted with my biggest fears related to the health of my loved ones and my own. To make matters worse, my security blanket, which was supposed to protect me, began to unravel.
The three ghosts of Christmas
The boiler, a vacuum cleaner and my desktop broke down just before Christmas – perhaps not the end of the world, but all these things symbolised something important.
Broken boiler
The boiler represents the warmth of home, hot baths, clean dishes, a safety and a comfort.
Immediately after the boiler broke, my kids and I moved for some time into one bed to make sure that they will be not cold at night. Suddenly I had to think about getting them warmer duvets and pyjamas. Such an abstract in the 21st century, someone could think…
But this made me think about all older and vulnerable people in the UK, which struggle to heat up their houses. About my grandparents, which were telling the stories about their unheated at night houses during the wartime, about the shiny frost on their interior walls. This thought made me think about the current world’s politics scene and people living in the damaged by the missels houses without heating – but also without windows, roofs, walls…
I was also afraid, if the boiler is actually safe, and I was expecting the CO detector to beep anytime soon.
It kind of woke up a lot of worries and upsetting thoughts. But also, it made me truly thankful for all I have. I had people to care about next to me. Maybe I had no heating and a huge upcoming invoice to pay. But my house still had walls, a roof, windows, a comfortable bed, and a winter duvet.
I had even a thought that the sink full of dirty dishes after a hot meal, with a hot water in the tap to wash them – is a privilege. And how spoilt our society is that we dare to complain that we don’t own a dishwasher, which would wash the dishes for us. If we have one, then we complain about taking the dishes out. What complain would be next after automating it? How comfortable our everyday lives are, and how many of us do not appreciate it.
Broken vacuum cleaner
The vacuum cleaner – well, if you think about it, as someone who runs a website about minimalism and always talks about struggling with clutter, you might consider it a symbol of fate’s irony.
I bragged about this vacuum cleaner a few days before it broke! I said how I love it and I wish it a hundred years… I would not expect there will be just a few days more.
I had to use a dustpan and brush instead, what is not an ideal solution for someone with a dust allergy.
For me, the vacuum cleaner means a clean home, fresh air, the health of my loved ones, and caring for the surrounding. Also, my own mental sanity.
And maybe I didn’t need the “fancy” cordless new vacuum cleaner but I knew how I always struggled to take out and use, and store the one with a cord.
Broken desktop
And it is not like one of my computers broke. Actually three of them in a very short period of time stopped working, but the desktop was the one I was relying on the most and I didn’t expect it to die. And its sudden death with loud “PUFF!!” sound, made me sad and worried about my precious data.
And the computer is a symbol of my work, entertainment, ordered food, paid bills, completed tasks, and connection with the world.
Broken spirit
So… I lost three things, which symbolised something important.
These three items were also probably the most expensive items in my whole house. All of them broke within one week – right after the entire holiday budget was spent on gifts, and on buying a car, which was supposed to help me regain my freedom. I was signing the documents to buy a car, and paid a car insurance and a road tax – just between the boiler repairs.
The wind of change
I started by changing my previous attitude. Usually I am not spending money on myself. I do not save on others, I do save on myself.
When I was buying the car, I already knew how financially drained I would be. I almost decided to resign from buying it but I realised that I simply need it – and the other option of buying car so easily from the trusted source might not happen soon. So I went for it.
I also bought a new vacuum cleaner and purchased a spot-washer. The vacuum cleaner appeared to be so much better than the previous one. And the spot-washer? It was soo helpful! Don’t ask me how, but the spot-washer temporarily helped me to get the boiler running in the middle of the night. It did it a few times! I won’t tell you how because it’s not a safe advice but having some knowledge of physics, I managed to get it running.
Eventually, I called a paid technician who replaced some parts in the boiler. But… just after being fixed (at a high cost!), the boiler stopped working again on Christmas Eve. Patiently, I decided not to be defeated.
Without hot water on Christmas Eve, I decided one thing: No material possessions around me will ruin my family’s holidays.
Instead of the traditional Christmas Eve dinner consisting of 12 dishes, I baked an organic chicken with vegetables, and we ate the forbidden meat on the Polish Christmas Eve’s table. It was almost like a British Christmas dinner. I love to mix the traditions but the Christmas Eve dinner was sacred. Not anymore.
A bit of typically British complaining about the healthcare system
Right after the holidays, I cried a lot over my fate when suddenly I was struck by illness. My biggest fear turned out to be reality. I had to face it.
The British NHS didn’t help; they dismissed me – my condition worsened. I went abroad for treatment, spending a lot of money not only on the treatment itself but also on transportation (just parking at the airport might cost hundreds of pounds, not to mention fuel, tickets, hotels, meals, medications, and everything else). Not to mention that I traveled all on my own. Five hours in the car, a couple in a plane and three hundreds miles in a public transport – just one way. Just because of lack of help here. Lucky that I had a car, right?
I decided to treat it as a challenge. As a lesson to learn.
I trembled with fear at the doctor’s office. Sitting there all alone. Having to speak loudly and listen to about my worst triggers.
I underwent many paid blood tests and discovered abnormalities that would have taken the NHS several years to check.
I returned home. My health didn’t improve, but I did what I could. Paradoxically, the inability to do anything extra gave me peace of mind. And my biggest fear stopped waking me up in the middle of the night in the form of a nightmare. It’s not better, but the Pandora’s box has already been opened, and the strongest fear of what’s inside has diminished.
A chain of events undermining morale
Right after that, I was confronted with the incurable illnesses of my closest people. That was probably the worst of it. It shattered my heart.
Meanwhile, at home, someone was supposed to take care of my pet rodent. And when it escaped, they ignored it for several days, causing the pet to damage my carpets, kids’ toys, clothes, and even the walls.
Or once again, I’ve come across someone who is mentally unstable and harasses me virtually, and even in reality. Sending gifts to my old address – only to later send me a courier’s photo of the door or the bins. To check if I still live there. Informing me that some car parked outside my house. Or sending me Google Maps photos of the building and roads nearby. Or telling that they know that I am home. Right after, they threaten me with the police or doing something to themselves. I was advised not to react further to the provocations. At first, it shattered me into pieces, disrupting daily activities, sleep, and even affecting my work and relationships with others. Sometimes, I was afraid to leave the house, or even to turn on the light. All of this changed after discovering my illness. No one will control my behaviour, influence my life. I simply don’t allow it anymore. It didn’t heal the person or stopped their behaviour but it changed how it affects me.
Another story? Imagine also that for the past few years, I’ve been searching for information about a certain place, only to find out that the person living there died a year ago, and the house burned down.
Mentally? In the recent months I went through several panic attacks. I cried a sea of tears. And then…
The need for change
I gave myself two weeks. I tried to distance myself and also supplement my body with vitamins and minerals, and a healthier food. I read more, played more, sang more, watched more movies I enjoyed, and spent more time with my family. I let myself to be angry and vulnerable. And, it helped.
So, today I felt that the time for the next step of the change had come. And so I recorded this video above. Chaotic as hell, but I felt it was a symbolic step towards change.
There has to be an opening. I can’t keep all of this inside because it’s eating away at me.
There are people around who are also going through a lot. And they probably don’t have the luxury of savings that saved my backside in the past few months. I think about these people and sometimes cry over their circumstances because I would like to help them somehow. And if I don’t step outside, I will not find them.
I think that maybe by telling my story, I can help someone.
I don’t know who. I don’t know how. But I want to help. I don’t have a lot to give but I have enough to be able to share.
To step on another fear blister
And, while I was adviced recently to do some journaling (and I have a tremendous resistance to sharing my writing with any audience), I’ve decided to overcome this one more fear, and write about it all publicly.
In the video, my face is still not visible. Maybe someday that will change. Not now. Besides, I don’t want to divert attention from the content with my radio face. That’s why it may just stay like this. Especially, thinking about my stalker… I don’t want to feed them.
And… blah-blah-blah. Apologies for the river of complaints. Next time I will make sure that the riverbanks brush against a flowery and pleasant meadow.
In the Beginning there was Darkness
To see and appreciate the warmth of the light, we must first experience the darkness.
So here…
For the burning match illuminating the darkness!
Minimalist who spent all their savings
As I mention in my video, I almost spent all my savings. My safety cushion. But… this is what it is for, isn’t? I built it to use it. I must take it all in my stride.
To summarise what I had to spend money on?
Services?
- repairing boiler,
- health treatment, as well as health related travel & accommodation.
When I already spent money on my boiler, I realised that I just have to stop saving on my own health by ignoring my body’s signals. Maybe one was needed for the other to happen.
Physical items?
- new vacuum cleaner,
- new spot-washer,
- new computer,
- new very old car,
- new smartphone.
Just imagine the awful price tags… But I also mention in this video that spending this money on the new items made me feel calmer. It made my life easier, better. Because minimalism is not only about NOT buying but also buying things, which truly improve the quality of your life, fix your problems.
I love my new items. I thought I don’t need them but each of them positively influenced my life.
Yeah, they were worth it and – my peace of mind was worth them the most.
Them fixing some of my issues made me also happier.
Song of a day
Oh, and let’s change a topic. Here is a song for you, which I found today after YEARS of searching. I actually hummed it to Google, which informed me about 9% (!!!!!) similarity (I checked twice if I really see 9% instead of 90%… my singing must be just “great”) to… Cocteau Twins “Donimo”. Enjoy.